September 28, 2023
Lately, rest has been the unachievable goal. Striving for peace of mind, renewing of the soul, and stillness with Jesus has been the theme of this past month. There is no escape from routine, people, or loudness. Even when I am alone, the voices in my head do not shut off. It is a shameful spiral.
For me, jealousy has stolen every bit of my quietness. It has taken away my contentment and my joy. It is the thing that makes me feel lesser.
Less cool.
Less skinny.
Less attractive.
Less smart.
Less wanted.
That is a vulnerable peek inside of my brain. I'll be honest in telling you that I am embarrassed by my struggles because I shame myself for thinking these things.
It is at this pit of jealousy that I run head first into pride, forgetting exactly who and whose I am—thinking that I would have created a better version of myself if I were in charge. I realize this sounds very silly.
But it is here where I have begun to acknowledge my deep need for my Creator, the artist who really knows me. He molded me and painted me with grace, and as he held me up, he whispered quietly into my ear, “It is good.”
After I wrote all of this down in my journal, I turned on a podcast that my friend had highly suggested I listen to called BEMA. As I leaned into the first episode, I quickly found myself reminded of truths that I had so easily forgotten.
We see a poem if we read all of Genesis 1 and 2:1-3. It is a poem that begins with nothing and ends with nothing. The poem concludes with God resting on the Sabbath, after his most glorious creation, which is you, which is me.
Marty, the host of the podcast, said, and I quote, “You are the crowning moment of God’s creation.”
He then said something that struck me (not to be dramatic) to the core. I quote, “It’s not that creation was perfect; it's that God looked at his creation and said that it was good.”
Perfectionism will actually steal every bit of joy away from you. I do not have to look or act a certain way for God to see me as good. There is freedom in not having to be perfect.
Another takeaway from the podcast was that God did not need to rest on the seventh day. He is God, and he definitely has the power and energy to do anything and everything he wants to.
Genesis 2:2-3 says, “By the seventh day, God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day, he rested from all his work. Then God blessed the seventh day and made it holy because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done.”
The seventh day of creation was intended to go on forever. We, the created, were meant to celebrate his handiwork forever, starting with the making of you and of me.
Marty explained that the first thing God wanted to teach us wasn’t the creation story but how much we are loved and enjoyed by him.
And so I write what I found within the pages of my journal…
This ache of unfulfillment in my heart, this yearning of my soul, this desire for more is but a slap-in-the-face reminder that I was not made to dwell here forever. So, I am letting this tension of the ‘right now and not yet’ be most glorifying to the King. I have been humbled by Psalm 23 lately, “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.” Leaning into this truth that my Savior is my shepherd and that I am most definitely not in control has been of most comfort to me. Daily and freely, he gives me rest. He restores my soul. And because he is my protector, comforter, and shepherd, I have exactly what I need. I still haven’t found this ground of contentment or true freedom from jealousy, but I have been able to acknowledge the strength and sustainment I have in Jesus. I am slowly learning to celebrate creation, God’s people, and me. My shame is met with grace. His love is where I find rest.
I am not saying all of these feelings go away, but as I read this rough draft blog post just a few months later after writing it, I am gifted with so much joy because of the freedom I have found in trusting Jesus. There are a lot of things that continue to make me discontent and yearn for something that I believe can and will satisfy my soul, but who am I but a mere mortal to know what my soul needs? I encourage you to continuously give your dissatisfaction to Jesus. He wants every part of you. He is listening, and he wants to remind you of who you are in him.
